Cooking With Hardy
by Kaffe Kane
Summary: Why don't people think Hardy can cook? RR...mwahahahaha! chibigotenangel and Megachick get kudos for other parts of this!
1. The Characters

Cooking With Hardy - Character List  
  
James Hardy (Duh!)  
Samus Aran  
Armstrong Houston  
Ridley  
Keaton  
Goku  
Chi-Chi  
Bulma Breifs  
Vegeta  
Master Roshi  
Master Asia  
Nappa  
Yugi Moto  
Seto Kaiba  
Hermione Granger  
Great Saiyaman  
Draco Malfoy  
Piccolo  
Harry Potter  
Severus Snape  
Majin Buu  
Saturos  
Menardi  
Domon Kashu  
  
And The Kefka as...The Cameo!!! (I am The Kefka, not The Cameo!)  
  
I always wanted to make a fanfic that featured Hardy as the main  
character...*evil grin* 


	2. TV Asia News?

Act 1 - TV Asia News?  
  
*Samus, Houston and Ridley are watching the TV in Samus' apartment*  
  
Master Asia: Welcome to TV Asia News, with Master Asia as your  
anchorman. And now we will switch to Cooking With  
Hardy, so look for me in the audience!  
  
*Samus and Houston look at each other*  
  
S & H: Cooking With Hardy??  
  
Ridley: *points at the TV screen* Look! Hardy's got his own  
cooking show!  
  
Samus: I never thought that Keaton would give him one.  
  
Houston: This is gonna be good...  
  
------------------  
  
Hardy: Hi-oh! And we're here to cook with Hardy! That's me, folks.  
And today we're going to make a grand turkey dinner!  
  
Audience: Ooooh...  
  
Malfoy: .oO(And I'm going to spoil it for you.)  
  
Hermione: Too bad that Ron couldn't come here.  
  
Harry: His mum wouldn't let him leave the country.  
  
Snape: Be quiet before I start deducting house points...  
  
Majin Buu: *Salivating over Snape* Want fooooooooooooooooooood...  
  
Snape: Would you please sit down and stop slobbering, whoever you  
are?  
  
Majin Buu: I'm Majin Buu, you!  
  
------------------  
  
Samus: Is it just me or are half the cameras on the audience?  
  
Houston: Uh...actually those cameras are supposed to be pointing  
to Asia.  
  
Samus: Oh.  
  
------------------  
  
Asia: *Prattling about terrorist attacks in Cambodia in  
Spanish*  
  
Domon: Master! You're a Spanish news anchor? I thought that you were  
Chinese!  
  
Asia: Quiet, Domon! This is a fanfic of utter randomness!  
  
Domon: A what? *Snape grabs Domon by the ear and leads him out of the  
audience*  
  
Snape: I am trying to watch this, if you mind...  
  
*Malfoy hexes the turkey to start moving around on its own*  
  
Hardy: And now to put the thermometer inside and stick it-  
*Hardy watches the turkey jump and imitate Keaton*  
  
Keaton: OW! Who poked me?!  
  
Hardy: Huh? I didn't know that it was still alive.  
  
Harry: What did Malfoy do this time?  
  
Hermione: I'll fix it. *Uses a counter-curse on the turkey while  
Snape returns*  
  
Snape: Caught you! Red-handed hexing food! Fifty points from   
Gryffindor!  
  
Hermione: Malfoy's the one who did it! I only used a counter-curse!  
  
Snape: You're still not allowed to use magic outside the school  
grounds!  
  
Saturos: Oh? Then watch us do it.  
  
Menardi: *Waits for Hardy to put the turkey in the oven, and then  
uses Fireball to overcook it.*  
  
Snape: I didn't see anything.  
  
Menardi: Then you'll see the results right about...*smoke alarms go  
off as black smoke starts billowing from the oven*...now!  
  
Hardy: Uh-oh! I had the oven on too high! .oO(But why does it still  
say 475 degrees? Must be broken.) *Takes out an uber-charred  
turkey and hangs an Out Of Order sign on the oven*  
  
Snape: O_O  
  
Malfoy: Aw! I wanted to mess with the turkey!  
  
Saturos: You kids had your turn already.  
  
Majin Buu: Want turkey...want turkey...want turkey... *walking to the  
set to grab the burnt bird*  
  
Kaiba: Hey! Get that Buu off of the set!  
  
Yugi: I can't, I have to hold the camera!  
  
Kaiba: Ugh...then that makes two of us. *Buu eats the turkey*  
  
Hardy: Well, at least someone can appreciate my over-cooking.  
  
Goku: HEY! We were supposed to share that, Buu!  
  
Majin Buu: @#%$@ YOU, MONKEY!!  
  
Goku: Why you! *Goku and Buu start a swearing spree*  
  
Chi-Chi: *covers Great Saiyaman's ears* HEY! STOP THAT! WHAT ABOUT  
GOHAN'S FRAGILE MIND?!?! YOU COULD HAVE WARPED HIM FOR LIFE,  
YOU IDIOTS!!!!  
  
Saiyaman: *whispers* Mom...I'm old enough to decide what I want for  
myself...  
  
Chi-Chi: Is that so?! *glares at Piccolo* Is this garbage that you  
put into my little boy's head?!  
  
Piccolo: *backs up slightly* Err...no, ma'am!  
  
Chi-Chi: YOU LIAR! *uses her PMS-powers to turn Super-Chi-Chi 4 and  
accidentally blows up Snape*  
  
Nappa: Whoa, remind me not to make her mad...Vegeta? Vegeta?  
  
Roshi: He's offstage with Bulma. I wish I was...*pouts*  
  
Asia: And that concludes tonight's TV Asia News...now we'll just watch  
this Jerry Springer-ish cooking show!  
  
Harry: This is too weird...  
  
Hermione: That's what Asia meant by 'utter randomness', Harry.  
  
Domon: Master! There's a couple making out offstage!!!  
  
Asia: ...No comment...  
  
Roshi: Aw, darn. Hey, kid! Tell me all the juicy details! *drools  
and laughs*  
  
Domon: I'd rather not.  
  
Malfoy: WHO BLEW UP PROFESSOR SNAPE?! *gets blown up by Chi-Chi*  
  
------------------  
  
Samus: This show is freaky...it's...it's...  
  
Ridley: Comedic gold. *Samus and Houston facefall*  
  
------------------  
  
Stay tuned for Act 2! 


	3. That Random Hiccuping Metroid

Act 2: That Random Hiccuping Metroid  
  
Ridley: Yeah, man. It's comedic gold.  
  
Samus: *weird look* "Yeah, man?!" Ridley, are you stoned or  
something?!  
  
Ridley: "Or something?" Are you?  
  
Samus: Don't argue with me Ridley, have you been smoking dope?!  
  
Ridley: You're not my mother, man.  
  
Samus: I'm not a man...-_-*pouts*..and I know that I'm not your  
mother either, but I want an answer Ridley. Yes or no,  
have you been-  
  
Ridley: I don't gotta answer that. You...ooooo...*looks around*  
...Pretty hippie flowers...hiccuping Metroids!  
  
Houston: Huh? Hiccupping Metroids?  
  
Ridley: It's in the title, man. GROOVY, BABY! I'VE GOT THE MOJO!  
*starts dancing like a topless dancer, then picks up Samus  
and starts waltzing rather sloppily*  
  
Samus: Ridley, you're scaring me.  
  
Houston: O_O...Me too...  
  
---------------  
  
Domon: *fart*  
  
Asia: ...No comment.  
  
Domon: *farts again*  
  
Asia: ...No comment.  
  
Domon: *lets out a big one*  
  
Asia: _ DOMON! HAVE YOU BEEN EATING BEANS?!?! *hears a weird  
noise*  
  
Domon: That wasn't me this time!  
  
Harry: *waves his hand in front of his face and sees a Metroid  
shoot across the stage making a hiccup-like noise*  
  
Hardy: Huh? Anyway, it's time to move onto the stuffing...  
  
Kaiba: This is getting annoying. Now we've got a Metroid to deal  
with.  
  
Yugi: A hiccuping Metroid! But we've still got to hold the cameras.  
-_-  
  
Kaiba: ...I seriously wish that you'd brought your friends along this  
time. *looks off-stage*  
  
Joey: *running in across the stage with a big plastic mallet* SUPER  
JOEY!!!  
  
Mai: *chasing Joey with a bigger wooden mallet* Super Dork is more  
like it!  
  
Tristan: *dragging an even bigger steel sledgehammer* Hey! Wait for  
me!  
  
Tèa: *holding the Humoungous Uber-Heavy Hammer of Metroid Whacking +5  
over her head like a Mongolian warlord, bowling over Tristan*  
LEMME AT THOSE HICCUPING METROIDS!!!  
  
Kaiba: O_O...I'm...at a loss for words.  
  
Yugi: Leave it to Tèa to do the impossible. ^_^  
  
Audience: How does she do that?  
  
Hiccuping Metroid: *bouncing across the stage* Racka! Racka!  
Racka! Racka!  
  
Joey: Gotcha! *misses and hits a bowl, sending the ingredients into  
Tèa's face*  
  
Mai: I've got it! *misses and smashes a hole into the prep table*  
  
Tristan: *hefts up the steel hammer and starts to swing it around*  
Let me! *misses and the hammer crashes through the stove*  
  
Saturos: Now it's really out of order.  
  
Tèa: I've got it! *smashes Yugi's camera*  
  
Yugi: Tèa, watch it! You almost hit me!  
  
H-M: Racka! *Stops in front of Kaiba, and hiccups away at the last  
moment*  
  
Tèa: I've got it! *whacks Kaiba upside the head, knocking him out*  
  
Hardy: u_u...They just demolished the kitchen...*gets out a wok*  
  
Yugi: *substitutes for Kaiba*  
  
Kaiba: @_@ Ugh...She can't see with food in her face...I don't want  
to go to school...I have a migraine.  
  
Hardy: *whacks the Metroid into an arcade machine offstage, which,  
ironically, is called "Whack the Hiccuping Metroids!"* How's  
that for my kitchen, huh?! *Chases after Joey, Mai, and  
Tristan.*  
  
Joey: Looks like the song goes "We Will Wok You!"  
  
Tèa: *going after the audience, still blinded by barbecue sauce*  
  
Chi-Chi: *using her PMS powers becomes...[trumpet fanfare]...Super  
Chi-Chi 4! and blows up Asia and Domon, trying to hit Tèa*  
  
Tèa: I've got it! *hits Gohan instead of Chi-Chi* I've got it!  
*swings again and hits Goku in the face*  
  
Mai: Maybe that thing should be the Humoungous Uber-Heavy Hammer of  
Saiya-jin Whacking...  
  
Tèa: I've got it! *swings wide, the hammer slips out of her hands,  
and as though on a cue, hits Vegeta in the back, bowling him and  
Bulma over*  
  
Harry: This is really messed up. Can't you use your Time-Turner,  
Hermione?  
  
Hermione: Let's wait until after the next scene to use it, Harry.  
  
Harry: Okay.  
  
--------------  
  
Samus: *watches the TV screen go static* Great, nothing to watch.  
It's only the first episode and it's total bedlam.  
  
Ridley: Great, why don't we shag? *looks at Houston*  
  
Houston: A-ARE YOU ASKING ME?!?!  
  
Ridley: I'm asking both o' ya, man.  
  
Shag...er...Samus: Shag?! Ridley that's so late 1900's...and you are  
a really big...  
  
Ridley: *in fake British accent* A really big turn-on? Do I make you  
horny, baby?!  
  
Fat Bastard: Oop...I 'ought ye was Austain Powairs foor a moment.  
  
Ridley: *Fake British Accent* Fat Bahstard! I am Austin Powers!  
  
Houston: *holds up a sign*: If Ridley says he's Austin Powers, he's so  
stoned that he's got a sex drive...and he usually doesn't,  
folks, so panic! Head for the hills!  
  
Samus: This is gonna be one of those days...  
  
-------------  
  
Thanks to That Random Hiccuping Metroid for the idea.  
  
Mini-Kraid: Why doesn't Kraid think that he's Dr. Evil, then! He calls  
me Mini-Me! *runs away crying*  
  
Stay tuned for Act 3...oh wait, first we'll have to fix the cameras! 


	4. Tèa Dies and Sigma Breaks Wind

Even more thanks to Chibi-Goten-Angel and Megachick,  
  
for more ideas to this glorious fan-fic.  
  
Act 3: Tèa Dies and Sigma Breaks Wind  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Kaiba: What just happened?  
  
Yugi: Tèa died.  
  
Kaiba: Oh.  
  
Joey: Let's get these cameras fixed!  
  
Mai: Right.  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Kaiba: *looks at Tèa* Uh...right. Did she just die again?  
  
Yugi: I said it before.  
  
Joey: Said what?  
  
Yugi: Leave it to Tèa to do the impossible! ^_^  
  
Tristan: Uh, guys? Can I get some help with this camera?  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Mai: Again?  
  
---------------------  
  
Samus: I don't know what's got into Ridley, but honestly...  
  
Ridley: *tied to a chair with his beak taped shut*  
  
Samus: If I hear "Do I make you horny?" again, I might scream.  
  
Ridley: *inaudibly muffled* Do I make you horny, baby?  
  
Samus: I can only guess what that was. -_-  
  
Houston: *smiles and nods*  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Samus: o_O  
  
Houston: O_o  
  
Ridley: O_O  
  
Tèa: *gets up again* I'm fine!  
  
Really...er...Ridley: Really?  
  
Tèa: Really! *Dies randomly* X_X  
  
Samus: *facefalls* x_x How did Ridley get out of that?!  
  
Houston: It's amazing what weird things that pot-smoking does to ya.  
  
Samus: Not really.  
  
TV: *picture reappears*  
  
-------------------------  
  
Hardy: Are we on? Do they work? What's that light blinking? Oh, okay!  
  
Joey: Now we're the camera people! Can this stink worse?  
  
Domon: *farts a 'bomb over Tokyo'*  
  
Joey: Me and my big mouth.  
  
Mai: I was about to say. *holds her nose*  
  
Chi-Chi: Didn't I just blow him up?!  
  
Asia: No...you just...cartoonishly burnt us.  
  
Malfoy: Ugh...no more explosions.  
  
*EXPLOSION!!!!*  
  
Tèa: *Dies because of big explosion caused by...* X_X  
  
Sigma: *in a turkey suit, laughs like Dr. Evil* Turkey Surprise!   
  
It was on the "Kids WB!" today!  
  
Audience: *all scream and panic except Chi-Chi*  
  
Chi-Chi: *turns into Super Chi-Chi 4 and blows up Tèa!* I'm gonna kick  
  
all your butts!  
  
Gohan: I just learned a new word: butt. Kaiba is a butt.  
  
Malfoy: That can be arranged. *Transfigures Kaiba into Mr. Cheeks*   
  
Hardy: Order in the kitchen!  
  
Sigma: Odor? Okay. *maniaical laugh...toot!*  
  
X: Sigma! We will stop you this time!  
  
Sigma: Yeah, right. You always say that, but here I still am!  
  
Zero: This time it's different!  
  
Sigma: Uh...what's your point?   
  
Zero: Geez, you really are stupid. *puts on a gas mask*  
  
X: *puts on a gas mask, too*  
  
Sigma: o_O How will that stop me? *prrt!*  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
X: It's like this...  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Zero: You fart and choke yourself out with noxious gases! Ha!  
  
Sigma: o.o Riiiiiiiiiiight...you know what? You're dumber than I am!  
  
*veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrt!*  
  
Tèa: *Dies randomly*  
  
Mai: For God's sake, Tèa, QUIT DYING ALREADY!  
  
Tèa: *Springs to her feet* Okay! Ew...it smells like something really  
  
died in here.  
  
Weird Al: There's something rotten in here! It looks like it will grow!  
  
Vegeta: WEEEEIRD AAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!  
  
Sigma: *Farts a wet one* ...Aw, crap. I just messed up my turkey suit.  
  
*fart...fart...squidge...* ...again.  
  
All: Eew!  
  
Hardy: *takes the wok to Sigma, sending him flying into the next Megaman X   
  
game, for once, an RPG!* 'Tis true, folks! The next Megaman X game   
  
is an RPG! I read it in EGM's latest issue! ^_^  
  
X: Yay! I luv RPG's!  
  
Zero: RPG!!!!! *takes a blowtorch to Capcom*  
  
Sigma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My army of Tèa clones!!! *fart*  
  
Yami Yugi: Tèa clones? *looks inside Capcom to see millions of Tèa.*  
  
Joey: AAGH! He was gonna take over the world with farts and Tèas!  
  
Harry: While wearing a turkey suit?  
  
X: o_O Farts and Tèas? The batteries in the clones didn't last long.  
  
Sigma: *pouts* And they were Energizer2, too.  
  
Zero: Tutu? *does ballet*  
  
X: O_O  
  
Sigma: O_O ...And I thought that your obsession with toy trains was gay...  
  
X: AAGH! That was my secret! x-x  
  
Sigma: HA-HA!! I defeated X! Finally, after all these damn MegaMan X  
  
games, I have defeated X! And Zero's too busy doing...huh?  
  
*gets hit in the crotch* ...the Nutcracker...  
  
Zero: Ha-Ha! I defeated Sigma! Ha-Ha!  
  
-----------------------  
  
Samus: Ridley...is it over?  
  
Ridley: Well, that's the end of the episode. But they might have another  
  
one!  
  
Houston: *facefalls*  
  
Samus: Although...what's with the Speed Racer impersonation?  
  
Act 1, Episode 2...coming soon... 


	5. Tèa Does the Impossible

Episode 2, Act 1: Tèa Does The Impossible  
  
Hardy: Alright, today's show I'm going to make blah-blah-blah...  
  
Harry: Let's hope nothing goes wrong today.  
  
Hermione: I hope so too. Wait, what's that?  
  
*a small ghost-like image of Viktor Krum on a waterbed mattress floats  
  
around the audience*  
  
Viktor: Vaaaterbehd...vaaaterbehd...  
  
Umbridge: Hem-hem. Is this the 'Cooking With Hardy' studio?  
  
Hardy: Yes, why?  
  
Umbridge: I am Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister  
  
of Magic of England, Cornelius Fudge.  
  
Hardy: .oO(Fudge? I like fudge...I'm going to make some chocolate for today.)  
  
Sigma: *fart*  
  
Umbridge: Hem-hem! Apparently something I said distracted you. The Ministry  
  
of Magic wants to know if there are any wizards and/or witches in the   
  
audience.  
  
Snape: There are...why?  
  
Umbridge: Oh! Is it just you and three students? I've read your paperwork,  
  
but what I am asking about is...is...You-Know-Who.  
  
*doors burst open and a dorky voice says*: TA-DA!  
  
Umbridge: AAAGH! It's You-Know-Who, the talking box!  
  
Hermione: *laughs*  
  
Sigma: Uh...that's just Mike the TV...MIKE THE TV?!?! *fart*  
  
*everybody panicks*  
  
----------------------  
  
Samus: What's so wrong about a TV?  
  
Houston: It's a walking, talking TV that only shows commercials and bad soap  
  
operas...and can't be turned off.  
  
Ridley: *screams like Kevin McCallister*  
  
Samus: Why can't it be turned off?  
  
Houston: The remote ran away.  
  
Samus: o_O Great...so the remote walks, too.  
  
TV/Mike the TV: Iiit slices, dices, cuts-copies-pastes, and even formats  
  
julienned fries! But wait, act now, and we'll port you the handy Log-o-Matic  
  
absolutely free, for only 99.99.99!  
  
Samus: *gets up* Alright, I've decided. Houston, we're going to look for  
  
that remote!  
  
Ridley: What about me?  
  
Samus: Ah, go screw Shuiichi.  
  
Ridley: Okay! *grabs some of his Gravitation manga and runs away*  
  
-------------------------  
  
Goku: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Super Chi-Chi 4: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! *blows up Hardy and Umbridge  
  
instead of Mike the TV*  
  
Sigma: *faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart!*  
  
Mike the TV: *in Austin Powers outfit* Aaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
Fat Bastard: *running toward the audience* Aaaaaaaah!  
  
MtTV: Aaaaah!  
  
Sumos in Audience: *looking at Mike the TV* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Fat Bastard: Yaaaah!  
  
MtTV: Aaaah!  
  
Sumos: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Fat Bastard: Yaaah! *gets lifted by his wire-fighting team* AaaAAAaaaAAA-  
  
AAAAAAAAAAA-*doink!*  
  
Harry: Oh, crikey.  
  
Fat Bastard: OH great...iiiiiisn't this mahgical...one of me wires broke.  
  
Malfoy: I'll show him what's magical. *hexes him to fart like Sigma*  
  
Fat Bastard: *prrrrrrrt.*  
  
Harry: Did he just soil himself?  
  
Mike the TV: *impersonates FB* Mebbe. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...  
  
Viktor: *floating around Umbridge's head* Vaaatermelon...Vaaatermelon...  
  
*Umbridge's head turns into a watermelon...a giant watermelon.*  
  
Yugi: ...Uh...Kaiba...?  
  
Kaiba: No more...no more...nos0=sdfklreioidovva;kdjfslkafaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-  
  
Joey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Kaiba's gettin' scrambled and lagged!!  
  
Kaibabyte: I am become Kaibabyte...destroyer of watermelons!  
  
Umbridge: *head explodes*  
  
Tèa: *clouts Kaiba with a big magnet* That should fix you!  
  
--------------------------  
  
Samus: Hey, Houston! I got it! *holding a remote that has legs*  
  
Houston: Great! Now let's get this to Hardy.  
  
Ridley: Shuuuiichiiiii...  
  
Samus: o_O Right...I didn't know that Ridley liked yaoi.  
  
Houston: That's scary. Let's go.  
  
-------------------------  
  
Samus: *and Houston arrive on the set* Good Gods. It looks so different  
  
on TV.  
  
Houston: You'd think that Kefka did all this.  
  
Kefka: *In Lurch's voice* You rang?  
  
Samus: No, we didn't. Hey! *the remote runs away towards the kitchen*  
  
-------------------------  
  
Tèa: Hey! What's that? *picks up the remote, aims it at Mike the TV,  
  
pushing the power button*  
  
Mike the TV: *turns off*  
  
Audience: ...Is it over?  
  
Kaiba: Ooh...what happened?  
  
Joey: Now it's my toin ta say it!  
  
Yugi: Say what?  
  
Joey: Leave it ta Tèa ta do tha impossible! ^_^  
  
Tèa: Yeah! *dies*  
  
Joey: AAGH! Anothuh Tèa clone?!  
  
Sigma: Mwee, hee, hee...*fart*  
  
-------------------------  
  
*Back at the Bat-Cave...er...Samus' apartment, yeah! Samus' apartment!*  
  
Bruce Wayne: Hmm...Hey! You're not supposed to reveal my secret identity!  
  
Katri: Okay...okay...*scratches it out*  
  
Batman: I will never see a stranger world-wide broadcast than that.  
  
The Joker: Ooooh...not even me, Uncle J, could think of such comedic  
  
brilliance! That dragon's a GENIUS!  
  
Katri: No, I am not. I'm insane. More insane that you.  
  
The Joker: No one is more insane than me!! *laughs insanely...and farts!*  
  
Ooh. Didn't expect that. HA!  
  
Katri: I am Author...hear me give the absolute commandment: I AM MORE INSANE  
  
THAN THE JOKER!!! *laughs like Dr. Evil, to the Dr. Evil Theme!*  
  
The Joker: Oh, shut your gob. *throws a cupcake at Katri*  
  
Katri: *eats the cupcake* Yum. An-ny-way! Goodbye, everybody! Until  
  
the next Act!  
  
Ridley: Shuuuuiichiiiiiii...  
  
Katri: Yaoiiiiii....*drools* 


	6. To the FatCave

Episode 2, Act 2: To the Fat-Cave!  
  
Hardy: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my secret underground lair...does  
  
that sound too much like Dr. Evil?  
  
Audience: *shakes their head*  
  
Hardy: I am going to make today, a series of desserts! Chocolate desserts!  
  
X & Zero: Chocolate...*drools*  
  
Sigma: *fart*  
  
Joey: Chocolate...*drools*  
  
Sigma: *fart*  
  
Domon: *blows Sigma away with his uber-powerful wind breaking!*  
  
Mai: Ee-ew...*holds her nose*  
  
Yugi: Chocolate...I like chocolate!  
  
Domon: *farts and flies into the air like a rocket*  
  
Hardy: One last time, peoples...  
  
Audience: *except Domon* CHOCOLATE!!! *drools*  
  
Domon: *flies into the stratosphere on a humoungous fart*  
  
Hardy: O...kay...now that we've tired out that joke, I'm going to show you  
  
all my assortment of desserts that I have pre-made and am going to show how  
  
to make!  
  
Audience: Oooh!  
  
Buu: Buu make chocolate too! *Turns Tèa into chocolate!*  
  
Joey: AAH! Chocolate Tèa!  
  
Miroku: *eats Tèa*  
  
Buu: Hey you! That was my candy!  
  
Miroku: Wind Tunnel! *sucks up Majin Buu*  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Vegeta: He...defeated Majin Buu with a giant magical vacuum in his hand?!  
  
Miroku: It's a curse, fellows. *sits where Buu was*  
  
Vegeta: .oO(A curse, eh? I want one like that, too!)  
  
Keaton: OW! *slaps his neck and something flat slowly floats to the  
  
ground* What is that...? *looks closely* GAAH! *jumps onto Chi-Chi*  
  
Chi-Chi: *becomes Super Chi-Chi 4 and blows up Goku!* Oops! Sorry, dear!  
  
Goku: *burnt* Egh..no problem.  
  
Hardy: What is your problem, boss?  
  
Keaton: F-f-FLEA!!!  
  
Audience: Huh? *looks down at a little six-armed man.*  
  
*zooms in on Myoga the Flea* Myoga: ...Whaaat?  
  
Hardy: *ahems and goes back to his regularly scheduled cooking*  
  
Inu-Yasha: Has anyone seen a flea around here?  
  
Kagome: Has anyone seen a lecherous monk around here?  
  
Myoga: *bites Inu-Yasha*  
  
Miroku: *hides behind Bulma...and grabs her behind*  
  
------------------------  
  
Samus: This part of the episode is relatively tame.  
  
Houston: *belches and farts*   
  
Ridley: @_O  
  
Dr. Evil: Now that's just grossssssss...  
  
Houston: *eats a potato chip and claps* Yes, salty...yes, that was good.  
  
Samus: *is quite obviously ignoring everyone...including now the TV*  
  
--------------------------  
  
Audience: *rioting amongst itself not long after what Miroku did to Bulma*  
  
Hardy: .oO(Doesn't anyone care about my cooking?!)  
  
Myoga: *hops onto the kitchen table* Ooh...chocolate!  
  
Sigma: *blasts off on a fart that puts him in orbit*  
  
Inu-Yasha: Uh...right. Looks like he's going somewhere.  
  
Tèa: Wow, I didn't expect him to go farther than Domon! *dies*  
  
Joey: Anothah Tèa clone...man, dat's gettin' old.  
  
Yugi: Maybe it's because WE'RE old?!  
  
Joey: *looks down at himself and around the audience* DAAH! WE'RE ALL  
  
GEEZERS!!!  
  
Mai: This isn't funny.  
  
Asia: No comment.  
  
Malfoy: Ha...my Aging Curse worked perfectly.  
  
Harry: A little too perfectly, Malfoy. *looks like Dumbledore*  
  
Hermione: Yes, so switch us back! *looks like McGonagall*  
  
Hardy: AAH! MY AUDIENCE IS AN OLD FOLKS HOME!!!  
  
-------------------------  
  
Samus: *chanting like Uncle Chan*  
  
Houston: Is this stupid or what?  
  
Ridley: Yes, it's very stupid. *goes back to looking at his manga*  
  
Shuuuuuiichiiiii...  
  
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Samus: o_O What the HELL is Dr. Evil doing in my apartment!?  
  
Dr. Hell: Vhat about me?!  
  
Samus: O_o What the EVIL is Dr. Hell doing in my apartment!?  
  
Ridley: Black silk boxers with silver Drydens...er...dragons...aw!  
  
Those dragons look so cuuuuuute!  
  
Samus: O_O I will rue the day that Dryden appears on boxers.  
  
Katri: *little does Samus know that Houston's boxers have Dryden on them!*  
  
Houston: *giggles evilly*  
  
Ridley: *goes to buy a pair of Ryuichi's boxers*  
  
Katri: *goes with Ridley*  
  
Samus: HEY! Who's going to author this fan-fic if the author's buying  
  
gay underwear?!  
  
Dr. Wily: *temporary author*  
  
AAGH..er...Samus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Too many mad doctors!!! Too much  
  
evil genius!! Too much-  
  
Dr. Evil: Yelling from you! Zip it. Alright everybody, back to the fan-fic!  
  
---------------------------  
  
Hardy: *watches as all the old people fall asleep*  
  
*EXPLOSION!!!*  
  
Hardy: Huh?  
  
*Dr. Hell and his Robot Masters barge in*  
  
Dr. Hell: Vhat?! I don't own zeeze robots!  
  
Dr. Wily: Zis is mai fahn-fik naw, zo you own zem!  
  
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Hardy: AAAH! Three evil doctors have invaded my show! To the Fat-Cave!  
  
Hojo: Uhm...Hardy...you're already IN the Fat-Cave!  
  
Hardy: Oh...right. AAAAAAAAAH!!! FOUR EVIL DOCTORS!!!  
  
Hojo: *hee-hees*  
  
Hardy: This calls for DRASTIC MEASURES! *gets out a burrito and eats it...  
  
becoming his gaseous alter-ego...* SUPER HARDY!!!  
  
Evil Doctors: O_O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! One flatulent fat man!  
  
Palmer: Hi!  
  
Evil Doctors: O_O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! TWO FLATULENT FAT MEN!  
  
Boba Fatt: I was once a reviewer for GamePro! (I think...)  
  
Evil Doctors: O_O ...Oh...*Hojo: go on a diet, you!*  
  
Katri: *while in the exotic anime underwear store* How will go the  
  
battle of the Evil Doctors vs. the Flatulent Fat Men go? You'll have  
  
to find out on the next act! Ba-ii!  
  
Ridley: *bawling* 500 Credits for these boxers! I don't have that much  
  
money!  
  
Katri: I don't either. *bawls also* 


	7. One Winged Los Angeles!

Episode 2, Act 3: One-Winged Los Angeles!  
  
Hardy: I think that you evil doctors need a dose of my medicine!  
  
BURRITO SUPREME!! *farts and a giant burrito-shaped cloud of gas hits  
  
Dr. Hell*  
  
Palmer: *toot!* *toot!* *prt!* *PRT!* *veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeert!!*  
  
Audience: *reverts to normal age*  
  
Mai: *holds her nose* HOW AWFUL!!! It STINKS!!!  
  
Evil Doctors: *wearing gas masks*  
  
AVALANCHE: We are here to defeat the evil doctors! (Barret: Especially  
  
Hojo!)  
  
Boba Fatt: Ooh, aagh...indigestion...from...burritos...from...Taco...*FAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Evil Doctors: *get blown away*  
  
Level 99 Cloud: Well, that does it for them. Now to deal with Sephiroth.  
  
Sephiroth: Glides into the room on a cloud of Clouds...I am Spehiroth...wait,  
  
Spehi...dammit...*in uber-gay male voice* Sephy-sama to you girl fans!!   
  
*waves* I'm so bishonen and kawai-i-i-i-i-i-i-i!  
  
AVALANCHE: O_O (Barret: Now dat's freakay. Yuffie: *angry face* OH MY   
  
GOD!!!)  
  
Urd: *peeks out of a clean frying pan* Oh My Goddess!  
  
Rufus: Glides into the room on a cloud of Palmer's gas...I am Doof...Doof...  
  
errgf...*also in uber-gay male voice* Rufy-sama to my all my fans!  
  
I'm also bishonen and kawa-a-a-a-a-a-a-aii!!  
  
*Dr. Hell returns, piloting a Super Robot version of Diamond Weapon*  
  
Hardy: AAH! Evil Doctor! To the Fat-Cave!  
  
Barret: Uh...Harday...yo alreddy in da Fat-Cave!  
  
Hardy: Oh...right. Well then. *eats burrito and becomes* SUPER HARDY!!!  
  
I'm ready to fart Diamond Weapon and Dr. *Censored* to oblivion!  
  
.oO(Wait a minute? WHY WAS I CENSORED??)  
  
Katri: You're a cop, that's why.  
  
Hardy: That's not a good enough reason! *goes to petition to the government  
  
about improper censoring laws*  
  
Katri: Well, now that he's out of the way-  
  
*EXPLOSION!!!*  
  
Domon: I'm back, and with my Burning Gumdum!  
  
Snape: It's Gundam...  
  
Harry: I never knew knew he watched anime.  
  
Snape: I have to have -some- kind of Muggle profile, don't I? I'm known  
  
as a manga artist...  
  
Harry: Really? What one?  
  
Snape: "Explosion Hello Peoples!" *brandishes issue number 1 of his manga*  
  
Harry: *facefalls*  
  
Domon: Right, Gundam...what did I say?  
  
Dr. Hell: You sait Gumdum. Now...vhat shall vit you...? I know! DIAMOND  
  
FLASH!!!  
  
*Major Flash Typos!* Katri: o_O Well, if it's in the script...  
  
Domon: Errgh! Erupting Burnninrg Fingre!!! *nothing happens*  
  
Yugi: Oh no! We've ben aflictud weth typos!  
  
Joey: *is somehow unaffected...*  
  
Kaiba: eH must have bin two sutpid to eb afidted.  
  
Mai: Wel,l well' just mkea teh moss of it.  
  
*Major Flash Typos wear off*  
  
Audience: Yay!  
  
Domon: ERUPTING! BURNING! FINGER! *hits Diamond Weapon, but doesn't  
  
affect it*  
  
Houston: HOUSTON UBER-POSE OF DOOM!!! *points at his psychotic-looking  
  
face while squatting*  
  
Dr. Hell: NOT ZEE UBER-POSE OF DOOM!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-*Diamond  
  
Weapon explodes*  
  
Rufus fans: Yay! It didn't attack Rufus!  
  
Rufus: *gets killed by explosion shrapnel*  
  
Rufus fans: Aw! It killed Rufus anyway!  
  
Sephiroth fans: Yay! No competition!  
  
Sephiroth: *kissing a baby for his "Sephiroth for Galactic Federation   
  
Chairman" campaign* Yes, thank you! I am much more durable than Rufus!  
  
And baby-safe!  
  
Level 99 Cloud: Hey! We're not finished between each other!  
  
Sephiroth: Augh...do we have to do this now?! I'm in a political campaign!  
  
Level 99 Cloud: Too bad. We end this here.  
  
Sephiroth: *sighs* I hate that line. It always gets me. Alright, alright.  
  
We will end this here. *turns into the One-Winged Angel*  
  
Level 99 Cloud: I can still defeat you. I have the Shield Materia!  
  
Sephiroth: *fuses with California to become the One-Winged Los Angeles!  
  
It's 10 times as powerful with Cloud is level 97 and higher!*  
  
Level 99 Cloud: Aw...crap. *dies with Super Nova*  
  
Hardy: AAH! Who can defeat Sephiroth?!  
  
Tidus: *enters with Four Fully Equipped Onion Kids* We shall!  
  
Sephiroth: *gets defeated and turns back to the kawaii Sephy* Thank you!  
  
Tifa: FINALLY! Someone killed the moron! *points at Cloud*  
  
Cloud: *revives* Moron? What's a moron?  
  
Tifa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*kills Cloud again*  
  
Sephiroth: Whoa! *zooms on Myoga*  
  
Myoga: *looks around from Cloud's hair* Whaaaaat?!  
  
Sephiroth: I wasn't looking at you! I saw the impossible! Tifa killing  
  
Cloud!  
  
Tifa: That felt good, too. I hate that...you know what kind of guy he is.  
  
Sephiroth: Moron?  
  
Tifa: DON'T SAY IT!!!  
  
Cloud: *revives* Moron? What's a moron?  
  
*Tifa and Sephiroth both kill Cloud*  
  
Yuffie: *kicks Cloud in the nuts after they kill Cloud*  
  
Cid: ...Was that REALLY necessary, Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: Yes. He didn't go on a date with me in Gold Saucer.  
  
Tidus: How about I join AVALANCHE?  
  
Yuffie: *heart eyes* Why not?! You look so much BETTER than Cloud! And  
  
you're smarter, too, and can play sports underwater!  
  
Tidus: Uh...right. .oO(She's been playing too much Final Fantasy X.)  
  
Katri: I want to play FFX, and FFX-2! *bawls because he doesn't have a  
  
PS2*  
  
Tidus: Great...I made the author cry.  
  
Katri: *snif* Tune in for the next episode...*crys a river* 


End file.
